INTERVIEW: Yelderbert Experienced ‘Separation’ In 2020, And That’s Ok
Yelderbert. Drawing by Goodie.
Trigger/content warning: This interview talks about mental health/suicide. If this interview impacts you, or you’re looking for someone to speak to, you can contact Lifeline on 13 11 14, or BeyondBlue on 1300 22 4636.
Melbourne-based musician Yelderbert has played in bands for a long, long time, but he’s finally embarking on a solo project. He’s a saxophonist, producer and engineer. He’s overcome some strong feelings around artistry to be able to release music as Yelderbert.
His debut track Separation features the vocals of Lewis Coleman, and it’s brutally raw and honest, but also poetic and melodic. There’s an unsettling, almost ominous energy around the track, and I mean that in the best way. You’ll see what I mean after reading the interview, and listening to the track. Yelderbert is able to put his unfiltered emotions into music in a way a lot of artists spend a career chasing. I think that’s what drew me so fiercely to this song.
I spoke to Yelderbert about how this project came about, and how he has navigated the emotions around finally releasing music on his own. Mental health is something that both Yelderbert and I are intensely passionate about, and his honesty around his experience this year was moving, to say the least. Art is a processs, not a result. The sooner we learn and remember that, the better.
Ben Madden: Firstly, can you introduce yourself and your music?
Yelderbert: Hello, yes, I’m Yelderbert. I make music in a number of different contexts with other artists; but as a solo musician, I think my music is best described broadly as alternative pop. There are many aspects of other musical styles that influence my sound, but the biggest influence on my music is a desire to make something unique, interesting and challenge myself, whilst still retaining a strong sense of aural satisfaction.
Picking what your debut track will be is always a tough challenge. How did you decide on Separation being the first introduction of Yelderbert to the world?
That’s definitely a tough consideration. Separation was my choice because as a whole I think it sits in the centre of the music I make on a spectrum of ‘out there’ to accessible. I didn’t want to lead with a single that would give listeners a dishonest impression of my overall sound.
The song talks about exploring feelings of self-doubt – how have they manifested in both your music and your personal life, and how have you overcome those feelings?
I’ve been making music for a long time, but it has been self-doubt that has stopped me from being a solo artist until quite recently. Part of that self-doubt has been necessary; it’s taken me a while to have a strong sense of my own musical identity. Part of that self-doubt has been damaging and debilitating.
In truth, overcoming self-doubt has mostly come from being mentally unwell for long periods of time. Things start to fall apart in your life when you aren’t functioning properly, and so you’re left in a position of thinking ‘what is important to me, what do I want to live for and get up every day for?’ I more or less ran out of energy to make music I wasn’t fully invested in.
Can you tell me the story of how the song came to be, from ideation to realisation?
I wrote the verse melody on my phone on the bus down Separation St, Northcote. That’s why it’s called Separation - and then the vividness of that word drove the lyrics fairly intuitively into place. Once I have a handle of inspiration on a song everything else falls into place more or less instantly. So, although I hate it when artists say this in interviews, realistically once I had the first moment of inspiration it was written in an hour or two.
There’s a lot of pressure on musicians to listen to external judgements – do you think this is a worthwhile exercise, or do you think it hinders the creative process?
External judgement is a minefield of unfiltered information that may or may not be relevant. I think the ‘positive’ answer is to say ‘no! Never listen to external judgement’, but I don’t think that’s true for me and I actually don’t think that’s true for pretty much anyone. In any field, particularly one as dynamic as music, I feel a desire to learn is crucial. I try to verify which judgement is useful to me, and what is irrelevant to me.
Some people have given suggestions as to how to make my music more accessible, and that to me is horrifically useless. But if, for instance, a musician you admire doesn’t like your song, I think it’s valuable to ask yourself why - even just for an instant - to see if there is valuable information in there.
Do you have any go-to strategies to re-centre yourself when you are experiencing self-doubt? It’s something I experience a lot as a writer – and think it’s common amongst creatives. Imposter syndrome can be incredibly persuasive.
I’d be interested to know what your re-centring tools are! A friend once gave me the advice to go and listen to the music that first made you want to be a musician when you’re doubting yourself. That has really helped me. But I wouldn’t say I’m a role model in terms of my self-care; often self-doubt just makes me drink for weeks on end.
Where does music, and being a musician, sit within how you perceive yourself, and how you feel the world perceives you? Is it integral to your self-identity or is it just another component of who you are?
Once my psychologist suggested that if things are going really, really bad, instead of considering suicide I should just quit music. I don’t really know what it would mean to quit music though - I couldn’t do it. I guess I’d rather die than quit music lol. I don’t even necessarily like it all the time, I just feel I have to do it. It doesn’t feel like a passion or a pursuit, it’s just the thing I’ve got to do and no matter how terrible I feel I can’t shake that.
2020 has had immeasurable ramifications on people’s mental health. How have you experienced this year, and how have you been able to cope – including taking care of your mental health?
To be candidly honest, I was hospitalised for a suicide attempt this year. The first months of lockdown I was, by any professional’s standards, doing everything wrong. Once you’re stuck in your own bubble, shut off from the world, the butterfly effect can see destructive behaviours become normal. I’ve had a lot of support from friends, family and professionals since the middle of the year though and can safely say I’m feeling pretty safe.
Finally, what are your next few moves, both music-wise and personally?
Writing new music, more Yeld stuff but also really excited to be releasing a record with a new project that Allysha Joy and I have created. I look forward to seeing the people I care about more often so that I can be kind and attentive to them. I have a stack of books I want to read, and I want to learn more about maths.
You can follow Yelderbert on Twitter here, Facebook here and Instagram here.